Twilight of the Grogs

Teenage boys and grognards want this…

Onan the Barbarian’s mighty boot knocked the temple’s door from its hinges and his sword cleaved the first baboon-man guard in twain.  Blood spattered as the dead creature hit the moss covered flagstones and the massed baboon men, who were gathered around something on the altar, turned and hissed in anger at the mighty barbarian.  “Come and die, you stinking sons of monkeys,” Onan roared. The gigantic gems in the eyes of the baboon god idol glittered in the torchlight. Those sapphires will leave here in my pouch when this butcher’s work is done, the mighty warrior thought as he turned and slashed at a baboon-man who snuck soundlessly from the shadows with a curved knife.  Blood flew through the air as the baboon assassin’s head rolled across the floor, cloven from it’s hairy body with one fell stroke…

Sometimes the D&D ‘grognards’ are unintentionally funny. Take this forum discussion where some of the grognards go off on the “Twilight” books (and/or movies), for example.  Dudes who roll dice while pretending to be elves and wizards fighting goblins and gelatinous cubes (mostly dudes, I guess — 99% dudes?) think it is silly that teenage girls and their moms like to fantasize about hot vampires that sparkle in the sunlight and werewolves that look like they belong in a boy band. I almost don’t know where to begin.

…the last of the baboon-men died with a groan, cut to ribbons by the Onan’s whirling blade. There, upon the altar, lay a woman bound with crude ropes of leather with only a scrap of silk to hide her loins. Her hair was as black as the night in far Khemnet where neither stars nor moon adorn the sky, and her heaving breasts were like piles of whipped cream topped with cherries most sweet. “Please, barbarian master,” she moaned, her virginal breast heaving with fear and desire, “I am yours to do with as you will.”

Teenage girls and cougars want this…

Look, I know my D&D love is some dorky-ass shit.  That’s part of what I love about it. But (and I’m being brutally honest here), Howard’s “Conan” books were never great literature to rank with the likes of Conrad, Austen or Twain, okay? I can enjoy Conan novels like I enjoy zombie movies (and Annie enjoys her occasional ‘chick flicks’). People used to call these things ‘guilty pleasures’ but I don’t feel a lot of guilt over it, so that doesn’t quite fit, but call it ‘eye and mind candy’ if you like.  I observe that some people watch NASCAR the way I play D&D.  Rolling dice and laughing with friends  seems as good a use of my time as watching cars covered in corporate logos drive around in circles at high speed, so I’m comfortable in my dorkery. I’ve never felt tempted by ‘Twilight’ (are those books really written by a Mormon woman? That’s pretty weird…), but I also understand that I am not in the target demographic. And I’m OK with that.

5 Comments on “Twilight of the Grogs”

  1. Malcadon says:

    I like Twilight because (uptight) women tend to give guys flack about how we like big-chested/ass bimbos, and fappnig off to porn. Then come along fag-hags and Twitards, that gave guys fodder to say “How can you ladies masturbate to that? That is so [nasty/terrible/stupid]!” when they criticize our taste in stuff, or our outlook on idealized women. Nowadays, freaky kinks cut both ways, so both sides can STFU! ^-^

  2. Best blog title I have seen in a long time!

    Yeah it hurts doesn't it. How similar we are.
    I still think a Twilight RPG that attracts women to the game would be fantastic to do.

  3. DuBeers says:

    Onan? Did he spill his “seed” on the ground? (chuckle)

  4. Stephan Poag says:

    I read the 'Wikipedia' entry on Twilight the other day. From that thumbnail sketch, 'Twilight' sounds like it might be 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' with all of the sex and monsters and evil and humor removed — which pretty much just leaves 'Romeo-and-Juliet' style stories of teenagers falling in love with people that their parents wouldn't approve of.

  5. “…are those books really written by a Mormon woman?”

    Yup! If you look carefully, you'll see the Magic Underwear Club's odious views on sexuality (“No Bella, I will not have sex… I mean, turn you into a vampire until we are married!”) and gender (“Jacob, please tell me what to do and think some more, oh and our vampire/human hybrid fetus is killing me, but I WON'T HAVE AN ABORTION!”) throughout.

    At least Joseph Smith had the chutzpah to claim he got the plodding and repetitive text for the “Book of Mormon” by reading divinely acquired golden plates that he kept in a hat. Ms. Meyers has no such excuse.

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