Political Primary RoundupPosted: December 31, 2011
Everybody has been asking me, “Who do you like to get the Republican nomination?“* Well, in celebration of New Year’s Eve, I’m looking at the candidates and giving you the straight poop.
This week it seems to have been all Ron Paul all the time. Normally I would say that Paul is too shrunken-looking and gnome-like to be a contender, but, if I were voting in the GOP primary, his ‘legalize it’ stance would move him to the top of my list and then his, “well, I didn’t write those things about the n-ggers and jews, I just published them” would move him right back down to the bottom again. I’m sure the race war card will play well in some demographics, however.
I’d like to thank Newt Gingrich for beginning every sentence with, “When I get to Washington…” as if he is some teen-aged Abraham Lincoln working on the farm in Illinois and dreaming of things to come. For the guy who has walked into every meeting in Washington since Clinton was President saying, “What’s in this for me?,” trying to convince voters that you are a political outsider seems a hard sell, but Newt managed to sell himself as a champion of the importance of character while simultaneously illustrating that he has none, so I probably shouldn’t underestimate him. One thing in Newt’s favor is that now college history majors can tell their worried parents that history was a good major choice since Newt made a gajillion dollars from Fannie Mae in a few short hours as a ‘history consultant.’ Although I would question how much actual history Newt has studied after he said that child labor laws are stupid.
I cannot mention Rick Perry without wondering aloud how one happens to shoot coyotes while out for a morning jog. Was he jogging down some suburban street and saw some coyote hanging out on a street corner smoking cigarettes and getting ready to abduct a child? Or was he out jogging on the trails of
N!ggerhead his family hunting ranch? I’m also wondering if one goes jogging with a pistol, where do you put it? I think if one were to run down the road with a pistol in your hand, that could lead to your being mistaken for Clyde Barrow, so a holster of some kind is probably in order. And you probably want some sort of ballistic nylon holster with velcro to keep your gat from flopping around and hitting you in the junk. With his helmet-like hair and easy smile, he certainly looks the part of a GOP presidential candidate, though sometimes I have trouble telling him and Mitt Romney apart.
Rick Santorum has taken the “What stupid thing will they say next?” tiara away from Michelle Bachmann — which seems like quite an accomplishment since Bachmann has managed to say something astoundingly stupid so often, so perhaps we shouldn’t discount his determination. He’s the “Sheriff Joe Arapio” of national politics; given the frequency with which he worries about the ‘homosexual agenda,’ I’m sure it’s just a matter of time until he is found toe tapping in some toilet stall.
Bachmann has crazy eyes and makes Palin seem like a philosopher… so other candidates are probably paying her to stay in the race sort of like a homely looking guy might stand next to a really ugly friend and think it made him look ‘handsome’ in comparison.
Mitt Romney seems the safe choice, but in the last election a plurality of Ohio Republican voters said, “We are just not ‘ready’ for a black president,” so that makes me wonder if they are similarly unready for a Mormon one. To me, Mormonism (with it’s magic spectacles, mystic underwear and disappearing golden books) sounds like a Harry Potter story — I find myself wondering if I am ready for a Mormon president. But he says the things that the US Department of Commerce wants to hear, so maybe I should get used to the idea. Like Perry, Romney ‘looks’ the part, so, if I were a betting man, smart money would be on him.
I’m actually thinking that as a Republican president, Obama hasn’t done too badly. When he landed in office, all the Fox News talking heads opined long and hard about his being a ‘secret muslim’ or having a ‘radical leftist agenda,’ but now it feels like the people who voted against Obama have gotten more of what they want over the past few years than the people who voted for him. Go figure.
*Actually, no one has been asking me… but I thought it would make a clever lead in.